Reinventing Myself

I feel like the internet has given us this idea of perfection that's even more dangerous than that of models, actors, and musicians. First of all, the internet is this place where not just your local talent can show off their awesomeness, but anyone with computer access all over the world. This means that there is a LOT of REALLY GOOD talent out there from all over.

Second, the internet really offers the perfect place for one to reinvent themselves. You can make a name for yourself, do whatever you want, and if it doesn't work out like you thought, you can get rid of it, pretend it never existed, and show up somewhere else online where no one knows about your past failures. You're a fresh face, ready to take on the world. A new talent, just bursting with potential.

These two concepts have really messed with my head, I feel. First of all, whenever I see someone who does something outstanding, whatever it may be, I think, "I can do that!" And so I do, with gusto. I set up my internet presence, start telling everyone about what I'm doing and for a while I feel pretty great. But then I realize that what I'm doing is OMG no where NEAR as awesome as whatever I wanted to do in the first place. So I tear it all down and leave. I redesign websites, change projects, change devart accounts, youtube accounts, change my online nickname, buy entirely new websites, create secret identities, always looking for that strike of gold: that one time where it'll finally be right. People will look at it and be forced to go, "That's freaking AWESOME!"

And if people do praise me? It's not enough. I want hundreds. Thousands. Millions of people telling me how cool my stuff is. I want them to buy things from me, tell their friends, make my little comic or cartoon or whatever an internet phenomenon. I want to be the next Homestarrunner, Penny Arcade, or Bri-chan. And if I'm not? If things start looking a little not so perfect? If the old dog is looking a little under the weather? I shoot it and buy a new one.

This is a very sad thing to realize about myself. I've recently been wanting to start some things over. Create new accounts, buy another domain name, all for a fresh start. But I think it only makes my state of mind worse. I'm telling myself "you're not good enough, you need to be someone else." So, I'm going to try to keep trucking along with the same old same old, and if it doesn't work out, I have to accept it and simply be happy with what I've accomplished.

...easier said than done.